O Brother, Where Art Thou?
by Chloe Winchester
Summary: My drabble on Sam and Dean's recent spat. Obviously, spoilers for 4.14. No flames and NO WINCEST! Rated for language. Don't like, no one's making you read it. 2nd chapter added on request. Changes made to chapter 1
1. Dean

--Okay, so I changed some stuff in this obviously. Still rated for language, still no flames, still NO WINCEST! Okey dokey!--

**O Brother, Where Art Thou?**

Where'd my brother go? I know he was here when I left, but now…Now I don't know anymore. I was told to protect him for so long. Then again I was told to kill him by the same man that told me that. If I couldn't save him. But I tried and tried, I did everything I could to get Sammy back, but he's gone.

He sneaks out like he has to, like he can't tell me he's going out. Like he has to lie to me, like he can't trust me, like everything between us has to be some covered up lie or an avoided awkward situation. Lie after lie. I'm sick of it. I think that's why under the Siren's spell, or whatever the hell you wanna call it, I wanted to kill him. And I was going to. I saw myself swinging that axe down and cutting him clean in half. And that scares me. God, I was gonna kill my own brother. Yeah, there was the spell thing but I don't see that as an excuse. I almost killed my…Well, is he my brother anymore?

I spent forty years in Hell, or four months, whichever time you want to use, and all I can remember wanting while I was there was Sam. I wanted to see my brother again. And now, I can't find him.

His body walks around me all the time. He sounds like him, he kind of acts like him sometimes, but Sammy's not here. Something that's trying to be him is. I can hardly look at him without feeling this pang in my stomach and in my heart. I never thought I'd see darkness in my brother before. Three years ago I wouldn't have thought Sam could kill something without feeling bad about it. And that lasted for awhile. Until he died and I made the deal. That's when he changed. He fought to be stronger so when I was gone he'd be able to keep fighting like I told him to. I think it was too much for him. That's why Ruby was such a comforting figure. He got close to her because there was no one else. He really likes her.

Me personally? I'd like to tear the bitches eyes out.

I've prayed, yeah I actually prayed, for someone to give me my little brother back. The one that called me jerk as a joke. The one who fought hard to fight the thing inside him. The one that didn't call me weak.

I can't help but wonder if he's right. I did give into what Alastair asked me to do, and I had fun doing it. And that makes me weak and a monster. I feel bile rise to the back of my throat as I think about it. I swallow hard to make it go away. I fight even harder to make the thoughts themselves disappear.

"Boohoo." That's what he said to me. I didn't want to tell him what I had done because I thought he would look at me different. I thought he'd think I'm this awful person that I feel like right now. But I told him anyway, because I had to tell someone. I told him that because I thought I could trust him. Instead he threw it back in my face. I felt shame fill my body at that moment, just like when he said it the first time.

I am scared to go after Lillith. But it sure as hell isn't because I'm scared _of_ her. I'm scared Sam is gonna try and kill her, and he'll lose.

Why can't he just be honest with me? Why does he feel like he needs to hide these things from me? I'm his brother. I'll love him no matter what. No matter what…And I mean it damn it!

I sat down on the edge of the bed, glad Sam wasn't here right now. I don't know where he went, and I'm not sure I want to know. I looked down at the bruises on my arms, and felt the ones on my face.

"_Do you hate me Sam?"_ I said aloud. _"Is that what it is, you hate me? If you think I'm so weak, so pathetic, why are you still here? Why don't you just leave, huh?"_ I didn't want that. That was the last thing I wanted. I was stupid to think things would be normal when I got back. I was stupid to think Sam would be alright without me. God I'm so fucking stupid!

The way he looks at me, like I am as weak as he said. He is right. _"Sammy, please, please show me you're still in there. Please let me know I still have someone to watch out for me. Please tell me you trust me." _I remember last year, before I went to Hell, he told me I had him. He was the only thing in the world I had, and he was slipping away from me. I was losing the one thing I had. If Sam was gone, if I lost him again…I would have no real reason to live. He may not need me but I need him. I always will need him. Yeah, I guess that proves I'm weak.

I need my little brother. I can't be alone, I can't. I won't. I spent enough time begging for someone to save me, screaming his name, begging and pleading for him to help me in a scream so loud my throat split.

"_Damn it Sammy!" _I bellowed. _"I shouldn't have left. I shouldn't have let you get killed in the first place. It's my fault, it's my fucking fault!" _I buried my face in my hands, unable to hold the tears back anymore. It's all my fault. If I would have gone into that diner instead of him Sam would have been fine.

"How certain are you that what you brought back is one-hundred percent, pure Sam?" Yellow Eyes' words rang through my ears. I shook my head.

"_I don't know," _I cried. _"I don't know."_ Sam died in my arms. I didn't know what to do when he did. I made a split second decision. I sold my soul and went to Hell for my little brother. And I would do it all over again. Castiel was going to kill him if I let him. Or if I couldn't stop him. No, no he can't. Sam'll be fine. Sammy's…Not Sammy anymore. _"I want my brother back… I just want my brother back!"_

"_Dean?" _I heard the voice and froze. The last time he talked to me he asked if we were good. Oh, yeah sure, we're fine. The time before that we were screaming at each other. And I was gonna kill him. I swallowed the fresh sob that appeared in my throat. _"Dean, are you okay?"_ I wiped my eyes and looked up.

"_Yeah Sammy,"_ I lied. _"I'm fine,"_ He sat down next to me and looked in my eyes. I looked away from him. I knew he had caught my lie. _"Just proves you were right, huh?"_ I said, smirking, trying to make it into a joke like always. I saw pain in his eyes. I found him! Sammy's right there! He might go away again but that doesn't matter right now. Now I can see my brother.

Sam seemed at a loss of what to say. _"Dean, I… I'm sorry. I…" _He stopped. I felt him hug me a second later. I froze and went rigid. Whoa chick-flick moment. But… But for the first time in a long time, I had Sam back. I gave in. I hugged him back and felt like a bitch for crying again. But Sam hugged me tighter. _"Dean I'm sorry. I didn't mean it I swear."_ I didn't want to say yes you did.

My baby brother was right here, right now, if only for a second. And that's all I asked for.

--As per request of a reviewer there has been a 2nd chapter added!--


	2. Sam

--Aright, chapter two of a oneshot that's a little weird right? : D --

**O Brother, Where Art Thou?**

I meant what I said to him. I gave up trying to tell myself otherwise awhile ago. I remember the fight. Every second of it. What I said. What Dean said. Yeah, I remember it.

I left after we got back to the Motel. I just couldn't stay there with him. In that awkward silence and try and pretend it was okay. I asked him if we were cool. He said yeah. I know that's bullshit. He probably hates me for what I said. For keeping things from him.

The siren was right, Dean didn't trust me anymore, and that hurt. But, then again I haven't given him a reason to trust me. I've snuck out like a teenager so many times it's not even funny. Even when Dean's muttering in his sleep, burying his face deeper under the covers and whimpering my name. He doesn't know I hear him but I do.

I still leave because I know I'm going to save a life, or maybe more. Now that I've had time to think, and by time I mean five hours, and I should have stayed with him. I should have stayed and make sure he was okay, that the dream didn't make him go all the way back to Hell again. He'd been there long enough. God, he was saying my fucking name! He was asking for me. He was begging for me, and I walked away. All he wanted was my voice, a shake to wake him up and get him out of the Hell his mind had tossed him into again. But I didn't.

I remember the look he had on his face when I called him weak. When I said he was scared to go after demons I did. He didn't show it in his face, but I saw in his eyes that I had struck a chord. Which is why I kept going. I saw it had hurt and I kept going. I feel terrible.

All Dean ever did was protect me. He died for _me._ He spent forty years Hell for _me. _And I go and say something like that? Dean saved me. He traded his life for mine…

I can't believe he let me take the car. I asked and he just tossed the keys at me. We needed to be apart right now. Or, at least, I needed to be away from him. I think it was guilt that drove me away. It was absolutely the guilt.

I keep wondering if he's okay. Wondering what he's doing. Or if he even cares where I am right now. Obviously I'm not anywhere special right now, just driving. Ruby's called me at least four times and I've ignored it. I glanced at the passenger seat where my phone lay just in time to see it ring again, with Ruby's number on the outside screen. If I didn't answer she'd come find me. And I really didn't want to deal with her shit right now. I grabbed it and flipped it open.

"_Hello?"_ I said.

"_Where the hell have you been?!"_ She bellowed.

"_I've been busy with a siren. Sorry."_

"_Yeah, well, we have work to do right now and I can't do it without you."_ She spat.

"_Is it of major importance right now or can it wait?" I_ asked irritably.

"_Well, it can wait I guess but why should we when we can take care of it right now?"_

"_Because I have enough crap to deal with right now. I don't need that on top of it."_

"_Maybe it'll help you wind down, you always feel better after you do it."_

"_No,"_ I said quickly. I was guilty enough right now, I didn't need to end the night dealing with a demon in Ruby's company. _"No, Ruby, if it can wait so will you." _I said. Before she could continue I slammed my phone shut and tossed it back into the seat. I stared out the windshield again.

Dean had every right to hit me. If I would have not been under the siren's spell I would have let him. But I fought back. I hit him so hard he flew across the room. I absently reached up and felt the now scabbed over cut on my neck. I couldn't believe it when Dean did it. He did what it said just like that. Then again, those things have a lot of power.

"You're not standing in my way, anymore!" I had screamed it in his face. Before I tried to beat his face in. And dean blew us both through a door. He grabbed that axe and stood over me. I thought he might actually do it. And if he didn't do it, I was already thinking of how I was gonna kill him instead.

"Tell me again how weak I am Sam, huh," He said. "How I held you back." The he picked it up and started to swing. In that moment I really thought he was going to kill me. Thank God for Bobby.

After all of that, the whole fight, the siren dying and both of us coming to our senses, all I could think was, god, what did I say?

"You're too busy sittin' around feeling sorry for yourself. Whining about all the souls you tortured in Hell, boohoo."

As I remembered the words I felt terrible. What Dean told me about what he did was in confidence, and I threw it back in his face as a sign of weakness. He must hate my guts. I wouldn't be surprised that he would pack his bag and bolt as soon as I got back with his car.

I pulled into the parking lot to the Motel, realizing I had ended up here without thinking about it. I got out of the car, waiting to open the door and have Dean push past me.

But when I opened the door, I didn't see anything close to what I thought.

Dean was sitting on his bed, his face in his hands, sobbing.

"_I want my brother back…I just want my brother back!"_ My heart skipped a beat and ached at the same time.

"_Dean?"_ I said hoarsely. He went rigid. I don't think he heard me come in. Dean didn't hate me. He didn't want to leave. It was awkward enough earlier. I could still see my fist striking his face over and over again. _"Dean, are you okay?"_ I asked. Dean tried to stop and hide the tears from me. He swept his hand over his face and looked up at me, the redness still in his eyes, the water still on his face.

"_Yeah Sammy,"_ He said, lying to me. _"I'm fine,"_ I sat down next to him, searching his face. I was an expert at reading his emotions by now. He looked away from me. _"Just proves you were right, huh?"_ Oh god, he thought what I said was true about himself. Fuck he believed me. He thought he was weak, he thought he was holding me back, he thought every terrible thing I said about him was true, because it came out of my mouth. My heart broke, but I didn't know what to say.

"_Dean, I…I'm sorry. I…"_ I stopped. I was lost for words. There was nothing I could say that could take the words back. I hugged him. It was the only thing I could do without screaming. He tensed again. I waited for him to push me away. But he didn't. And he hugged me back a moment later. I hugged him tighter when he started to cry again. God I had hurt him so much. God I wanna fucking kick my own ass. _"Dean I'm sorry. I didn't mean it I swear."_ I felt like such a fucking asshole. I made him feel this way. I made him cry like this. And right now, unlike those countless nights he had been calling my name, I was staying with him. Because my big brother needed me. And I was staying with him.

**END**

--Alright this is the official end. No more I swear! Now tell me how you like the whole thing! : P --


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